THOUGHTS OF A GRUMPY OLD MAN

Welcome to my Ebenezer Scrooge Bah Humbug post ; this is a very much tongue in cheek look at the  ten things that wind me up in a  pub,  ( and a beer festival).

1. Beer Prices You walk into the pub and look in vain for the cost of a pint. Some pubs do have then clearly visible  , some don't. Wetherspoons has prices on each pump clip. The Station Hotel in Whitby, for example,  has a large blackboard ( see picture ) with beer and prices for all to see. If you went into a supermarket and couldn't see the prices, you wouldn't  buy would you ?

2. Available Soon. The dreaded sign on the handpull "Available Soon" above the pump clip for a beer you really fancy. There's nothing worse than being tempted like this, Seeing a beer you cant have as its not ready. ! Why not just turn the pump clip round till the beer is ready ?

3. Warm Beer Actually there is something worse than number 2 - Warm Beer. Unless the Bar Person is wearing gloves, surely they can  feel through the glass they are holding that the beer is warm ? I have had this happen a few times to me in Good Beer Guide Pubs which really pisses me off. So hats off to the landlord of the Biddick Inn, Washington, who  does it properly. During the summer three of us were first in one lunchtime. There are 2 handpulls so he pulled both into an empty jug to get rid any warm beer left in the pipes from  the night before. What we drank was perfect.      

 4. Black IPA - To quote that well known beer writer Roger Protz from his book " 300 More Beers To Try Before You Die -" Just which part of India Pale Ale do these brewers not understand"  Here here. 

5. The dreaded busy bar.  Standing patiently waiting to get served, customers in front are clutching  their menus. You just know what's coming next; here are three possible scenarios  :-

Q1 Table Number ? - Hang on, back in a minute.

Q2 Peas or Mushy Peas ?- Just a sec, will go and ask.

Q3 Sorry , we've ran out of Fish and Chips - OK will go and ask for an alternative, back in a min.

Meanwhile I'm standing there with steam coming out of my ears, whimpering " all I want is a pint !". I think one day I'll wear noticable, such as fancy dress or even a mankini ***. That'll clear the bar !

6. CAMRA discounts - This is not a moan about discounts, I'm all for it. Its when the pubs who do offer it don't publicise it when you order a drink. With me its when Ive left I suddenly realise -  bugger I forgot . I should have been asked if i was a member, I could have had 10% off !!" Hats off to the Split Chimp Newcastle - I was in it for the first time a few weeks ago- as soon as I ordered my pint I was asked " are you are CAMRA member ?" Why can't they all do it ?  

7. Ordering a second drink with my meal - This happens to me all the time . Imagine Ive come to a pub to have a meal served at my table. The waiter/waitress takes my order for drinks followed by the food. The drinks arrive and then the food. So far so good. Ten minutes later they come back and say " Is everything all right with your meal"  Clutching your by now empty glass, you barely  have time to say yes thanks, and they've gone !!. "But I want another pint please" is ignored as they zoom off. Its difficult trying to eat and attract their attention at the same time , short of throwing a beer mat at them. I know, the mankini *** again ( will you stop this please - ED)

8.  The pub toilets 1 - Bursting for a pee, I head to the loo. Through a door, round a corner, up some stairs, through another door, along a corridor and into the gents. Trying to strike up a conversation with an occupant, someone else starts to dry their hands. The noise from the dryer sounds like a Tornado Jet taking off to bomb Syria, rendering all speech now impossible. 

9. The pub toilets 2 - Finishing my business and slowly regaining my hearing, I leave the loo trying to retrace my above steps. Now which way did I come from ? Was it left or right ? There are no signs showing you how to get back to the bar ! Well actually one pub I've been in, The Wharf in Manchester, has solved this. There is a sign next to the door outside the loos which says " you came from this way". Marvellous.

PS - Have you ever seen anyone use one of those condom machines in the loos ? Never seen one being filled or anyone buy anything. What's that all about ?

10 - Beer Festivals - Invariably when you see an advert  for a beer festival , its says  "only £5 entry - includes a commemorative festival glass to keep  !!" I don't want a festival glass to keep, Ive got 15 of the bloody things !

Merry Xmas

***  Apologies if this clothing vision has put you off Xmas lunch

MY FIRST STOUT

Usually when faced with a choice of real ales in a pub, if available I will go for a stout. Notable examples include Hambleton Nightmare, Youngs Double Chocolate, Hook Norton Double Stout and lately Maxim John Bull Stout. 

So where did this fixation come from ? Well remember the advertising slogan "looks good, tastes good and by golly it does you good!"? This was used from 1965 to advertise Mackeson Milk Stout. ( quiz question, name the actor in the adverts *)  I read somewhere Ena Sharples and her mates drank it in the Rovers Return in Coronation  Street.

Not trying to emulate the aforesaid Ms Sharples, I used to drink it in the early 70s in The Black Bush in Washington; first by itself from the bottle, then  in the form of "Sweet Stout Black Velvet" This was a bottle of Mackeson with a half pint cider poured over it. Its proper name was Poor Mans Black Velvet and I have absolutely no idea why I started drinking it. Maybe because the beer there was crap.

Mackeson started life in Kent in 1907 and since then its production has moved round the country, including locally at Castle Eden and Camerons. Since 2012 it has been brewed by ABInBev.  

Now I don't know why but I never drink beer out of cans. Probably an experience I had with a widget many years ago.  But I keep seeing this stout on supermarket shelves and as it brought back the above memories,   when  I was asked recently what I would like for my birthday, I replied "Some Mackeson Please!"  It appears to be only sold in cans and due to a family breakdown in communication I got 12 of them.

I  prefer stronger beers but this is only 2.8% so a bit of a culture shock then ! The stout was reduced from 3% by the current brewer so less duty would be paid. ( ?)

So what about taste ? Well its obviously weak, you can tell straight away. Being a Milk Stout the sweetness of the lactose  is still there though so overall not bad. Its just a shame its not stronger and more readily available. A stronger version (4.9%) is brewed in Trinidad - why not here ?? !!! I've never seen it in a pub for decades and certainly not on handpull. Probably never will. Still,  Ive got 5 cans left to enjoy over the festivities.

PS - So having successfully baked some Brown Ale bread the other week ( READ ABOUT IT HERE ) gave me idea that this would go nice in bread as well. It sure did. It came out a nice light texture brown colour as shown. Delicious.  

*Quiz Answer - Bernard Miles